Ground Rules

I had a lot of time in the past few weeks to reflect. I asked myself some very difficult questions. Questions like, what makes me happy? Why do I want to do PU? What end result do I hope to achieve? At the end, I feel like I found a bit of my identity.

From these questions and their answers, I came up with 3 Ground Rules. These rules form the basis of my journey.

1. It's never about sex, it's about the love of a great woman.


2. If I'm not prepared to lose her, I have already lost her.


3. Never compromise my values and beliefs for any man or woman.

Rule #1. I used to think it's about sex, fucking as many girls as I can get my dick on. But that comes from a place of anger and resentment. I only thought I wanted that because I hated my own limited sexual experience. Recent experience showed me that it wasn't sex that I wanted the most, it was love. My distorted view didn't allow me to see that until the relationship was six-feet under. Given the choice of having one girl sucking me off everyday for the rest of my life versus a different girl sucking me off everyday, I would pick the former. Every single time. I can't allow myself to forget that.

Rule #2. Also from previous experience, I realize that when I find a girl that hooks for D2 or D3, I latch on too tightly. I become needy and I end up always drive them away. This comes from a place of scarcity and fear. This state of mind reinforces itself rapidly if not checked. The more afraid that I'll do something to drive away, the less I become myself, and the more I drive them away. I will internalize the abundance frame and this rule lets me do that.

Rule #3. Lastly, I need to be congruent with myself. The best way to be congruent is to project my values and beliefs and stand firm behind them. There will be times when these will be tested, and in those times I need to know who I am and who I want to be. A corollary to this rule is that I must find out what my values and beliefs are. I must ask the tough questions, not only of myself but also of others. Not only will these rules make me congruent, but also it will let my underlying confidence shine through.

These rules are just the beginning. I'm sure as time goes on, and as I get better at PU, they will be amended. I'm going recite these ground rules every day and come back to revisit them every six months. That is my plan.

I got rattled

This weekend started out very good. I found myself in a mental state that I never reached before. I was content, centered, and really didn't care what anyone thought or did to me. I was extremely social on Friday, and very relaxed for most of Saturday. I thought I reached a new height in my inner game, where I have accepted the abundance frame, internalized my lack of need, and put forth my best natural self.

But it all crashed down in less than 30 seconds. I was out day gaming, and just as I was about to finish, I saw her. A HB9 that I went on a D3 with, made-out but didn't get to f-close. I haven't seen her in a month and this was all before my recent epiphanies. I wanted to put her on ice, but seeing her was totally unexpected.

She was with a guy, and he stood to the side while I talked to her. I should've introduced myself to him and brought him into the conversation. But I completely froze. Just like that my state went out the window. I promised myself that I wouldn't ask her out again until she showed some compliance, but within 30 seconds, I was asking her to dinner. She gave me this non-commital answer. And I accepted it.

I felt like shit afterwards. It threw off the rest of my weekend. I guess I let it get to me a little too much. After all, what is she to me? But my inability to remain calm, to retain state, and to regain center really pissed me off. I told my story on the Lair and I got a lot of feedback. And I do agree that my inner game is still weak, otherwise I wouldn't have been affected so much.

This is a big lesson learned. I had no idea just how easy it is to knock me off balance. What I thought was a strong inner game, was only partial. I really did reach a higher mental state with my inner game, but I wasn't ready to stay there. I'm going to remember the lesson, release the emotions and get ready for sarging again this weekend.

With practice, I have no doubt that my inner game will reach and remain at the high plateau I experienced on Friday.

FR: Solo again on Friday night

I went out solo again Friday night. This time, I didn't psyche myself out before hand. I wrote on a stickie note a few things I want to do:

1. use eye contact more


2. try my 'see what happens' opener


3. do deep engagement when the set hooks

I went out to North beach, walked around, saw one bar with people, didn't care what it was, just went in. Saw a two set sitting by the bar.

Me: Hi, I just wanted to come and say hi and see what happens...

The set opened well, but didn't hook. It turns out these girls are a bit older than I would've liked. We chatted about where they're from, then movies, and then the interaction fizzled out.

Then I saw a girl (HBDark: 6.5) ordering drinks by the bar. She looked flirty. So I made eye contact, she looked back, I smiled then opened, with a simple "hi, how's it going". It turns out she's here with bunch of friends, a huge mixed set. I introduced myself to her group, then suddenly I was IN... just like that. I started chatting up with HBDark for a bit, but I had problems isolating because her friends kept on coming in at higher energy levels. My energy level is a bit too low for night game sometimes.

Out of nowhere, a huge guy came up and started asking me where to go in the city. It turns out he and his 3 friends are from Belgium and in SF for the weekend. I started talking to these guys, and I could feel my energy go up. I got a 4 set of dudes cracking up, being loud as fuck in the middle of the bar. Sweet! Eventually I got bored, made an excuse, shook hands with them and left.

Talked with HBDark and her friends for a bit, still not really hooking, and can't isolate. After a while, I went back and re-engaged the Belgians. Long afterwards, I realized, these guys became my "home base". Ha! My first home base.

One of the guys is decent with girls, he opened one and all his friends were amazed. Then both he and I saw a girl, HB8.5, probably the hottest girl in the bar. She was getting her drinks and walked right by me. I tapped her on the arm, spun her around. Opened, bantered for maybe a few minutes. At this point I felt really fucking good. Since I walked in, I noticed a seated 4-set of girls by the corner. Now I'm ready to open them. I told the Belgian that I'm going to talk to those girls, he looked at me with disbelief.

I walk over... my first seated 4-set (HBBlonde: 8, HBBrunette: 8.5, HBSister, HBFriend)... here we go.

Me: Hi, (big smile) I just wanted to come here and say hi... and see what happens.

Instantly, I was in, the set hooked. HBFriend asked me for my name, I introduced myself. My intended target (HBBlonde duh!) when she introduced her self we shook hands and I said "you're very beautiful". She blushed, touched my arm and said, "oh stop it". So, my intentions has been made clear to the group. Now here's where I had a little problem. At this point, HBBrunette chimed in, "so you only like one of us right?". In retrospect, I think that should've been a signal to me. The problem will become apparent.

I sit next to HBBlonde, engaging in HBBlonde and HBFriend. I had plenty of stuff to talk about. At some point, HBFriend mentions that HBBlonde has a BF. So I lose interest immediately, but hey, the girls are fun so I keep talking with them. At this point the Belgians leave and come say goodbye to me... massive social proof! HBBlonde and HBFriend go to the bar to get drinks, I let them out, and slide next to HBBrunette. That's when I realized, shit... HBBrunette is really hot. Uh... target switch... when she already saw me talking for a long time with HBBlonde. Hmm... interesting.

I talk with HBBrunette and HBSister (HBBlonde's sister). I was like, "so, tell me your story". She tells me some half-assed story. I was like, okay, I'll tell you a story. So I told her the story of me going to the asian art museum last sunday (true story). Afterwards, she's like, "wow, that was a really good story".

A bit later, HBBrunette leaves and HBFriend comes back. So I say to the two girls, "so, what's HBBrunette's situation? Is she seeing anyone?" They tell me that she might be leaving SF soon b/c job situation... etc.

At some point some a guy friend joins them and he was much higher energy. Basically he sucked all the oxygen out of the room. At this point I decided to eject. I tried to number close HBBrunette, but she gave me the "I have a BF" line. HA! Caught you! If she really had a BF, her friends would've told me pretty sure. I humored her.

I went to say good bye to HBBlonde and HBFriend, they were hustling pool. I told HBBlonde I'm leaving, we shook hands and she gave me a peck on the cheek. Hmm... must have made an impression. I went around and said good bye to all the other ppl that I opened then left the bar. Shit... I was in there for an hour and half? Damn... time flies.

I decided to end my night early on a high note. Took a cab home then decided... nah... one more set. I went to a bar I went last weekend, because I remembered the bouncer's name.

I opened a 2-set. Same opener they laughed. One girl, HBDoc (7.5) said, "is that a line?" I said, "yeah, but it's true." I started to engage these girls finding out where they're from (LA). I told them a story of me visiting LA a few months ago... and I said I found the girls to be really superficial. That was a cold read of sorts, because they definitely didn't fit the LA stereotype. Turns out I was right. They're all medical students from USC. At this point HBDoc's friend moved away... ha... I was isolated.

I brought out my deep engagement stuff. I told her what makes me happy, I asked her if she believed in true love and I told her a story of how I came to believe in true love. I thought the stuff is pretty good. It wasn't all deep, I had her laughing too. I qualified by telling her the last girl I dated... etc. Then I got side tracked by her friends who came back.

At the end, when her group was leaving to go to a different bar, I stopped her. I #closed her while all her friends were waiting.

---

What I learned:

• having goals at the beginning is really good


• home-base = awesome, even if it's 4 dudes


• I got called out (twice), "who are u here with?" I simply answered the truth, "I'm here by myself". No explanation necessary. Keep on talking. Either they respect you for it or fuck 'em. Both cases, they responded with, "oh good for you."


• at the first bar, I was talking with just about everyone. Shit, it was fun. For the first time I thought to myself, "so this is what being DerekDL feels like" :-D

What I'm proud of:

• created my own 'see what happens' opener


• caught a girl giving me the I have a BF lie

What I could've done better:

• The 4-set... I need to figure out ALL of the logistics and situations before zoning into a target. I think HBBrunette was interested, and she possibly felt bad after I isolated HBBlonde first. I need to do better next time.


• Learn to handle guys who are higher energy than me that enter my set. I don't want to AMOG them, cuz they're friends of the set, but win them over at the same time not let them take over the set.


• I should have kiss-closed HBDoc in the last bar. I had the opportunity to. I will not let an opportunity like that pass me again.

What I Learned from Losing my Oneitis

Last saturday I went on a date with my oneitis. I call her that, because we've been on-and-off dating for the past year. I met her at a time that I wasn't ready to meet a girl like that. She's gorgeous, HB8+, kinda looks like Denise Richards. Sucks a mean cock and loves asian men. But she's also super smart, outgoing, athletic, fun, deep, and full of life. I especially liked her philosophical outlook on life. And she's bisexual.

But our relationship wasn't good. The funny thing is that we both tried really hard. I didn't have the heart to end it, because, well, she's my oneitis. It's my comfort zone, and when I was happy with her, I was really happy. But she also made me very miserable many many times. I became a total AFC chode around her, I knew it but I didn't know how to change it.

So, long story short, she initiated the breakup last night. To my surprise, I didn't feel pain at all, more relief and a sense of profound epiphany.

This is what I found out. I was never able to connect with her. I was playing too safe. I'm not used to just connecting and talking with a hot girl, it was too foreign to me. She desperately wanted me to challenge what she says, but I never did that, and it frustrated the shit out of her. It's like she was unconsciously throwing shit-tests all the time and all I had to do was be aggressive and I'd pass them. I didn't know. She said, she was with me because I was nice to her, I was safe, and I would never hurt her. She valued all that, but it wasn't enough.

But you know what? Connecting with a girl that you like, it's really like talking with any of my buddies. Why should it be any different? If my friend tried to bullshit me I wouldn't let him off with out calling it out. With any of my friends, I can talk about life and random shit for hours and hours. It should be the same with a girl, especially one that you're trying to date and have a relationship with.

She also told me that the image that I projected, it was weak (beta in PUA parlance). She put up a facade of strength, but deep inside, she's actually afraid of being hurt because she was physically abused when she was younger. I never got deep enough to realize that the facade was just that. And she desperately craved for protection. I didn't provide that. She didn't feel safe.

All of that is preprogrammed. Evolutionary. No matter how much she liked me, and she did, no matter how hard she tried to make it work, she can't overcome those preprogrammed responses. The fuckup is mine and mine to learn from.

Sometimes the most important lessons are only learned when you put yourself through harms way. I had to get so close to an awesome girl like that, and to lose her, to learn about love and life. I learned that creating connection and building relationships is like cupping water in the hand. The tighter you clutch, the less water you hold. I wasn't prepared to lose her and that mentality defeated me.

When I say I'm okay, i'm really okay. If this happened a few months ago, I would've been devastated. The timing is critical. I saw the writing on the wall, but like I said, I didn't have the heart to sever it. This is the reason why I took a workshop with SS a few months ago and why I finally got pissed and decided to solo sarge on Fri night and day game yesterday . If I was motivated yesterday, today I'm 10 times more motivated to better myself.

Solo night game

It's only as hard as you think it is.

The reason I went solo is because I got really pissed last Friday. I found myself with no plans on a Friday night, and I knew if I didn't go out... I would be miserable for the rest of the weekend and into next week. Couldn't find any wings at the last minute. Solo or chode... I chose solo. I prepared myself by going to the gym working out a storm then listening to high energy music while getting ready.

Okay... but it wasn't easy. I don't want to say that I had AA, because I actually did open sets. But I just never really warmed up, possibly I psyched myself out before hand, with thinking about how hard it is to go solo... what happens if I get called out... etc. That actually never happened. I promised myself that I would at least stay out for two hours and I went to four different bars near my place. I had four sets (one at each bar), and in two of them I was able to isolate my targets. Both targets were HB9+s (apparently I only go for the hottest girl in the bar, hey life is short).

The interesting thing is, all the sets opened nicely, not all of them hooked, but I never got a blow out. I was so focused on opening... it was totally not the thing to worry about. Instead, in retrospect, my problem is that I didn't do enough attraction. My energy was low and I wasn't "in state". And the worst is that after I open, hook a little... then I found myself drawing a big blank. I'm not too used to night game, and my daygame stuff is too low energy for the night. After isolation, I found the HB's BT drop precipitously.

But you know what? It felt so good to be out. Eventhough I don't have any results to show for it, I feel like I've pushed my boundaries and I can sleep easy tonight.

The main thing is that I shouldn't psych myself out. Solo night game is the most normal thing in the world... next time I'm going to think that and believe it. Fuck all the preparations, don't need it. It's true because I never got blown out... I got my isolation... I just ran shitty game, which is totally fixable. Nothing to it. I did get an email close and she is the hottest girl I've seen all week. So in the words of my mentor DL: I'm content... but far from satisfied.

Goal for the next 6 months

I was talking to a PUA a few days ago, and the topic turned into goals. I realized that I don't have one and that really bothers me. So, for the past few days I've came up with a goal for the next 6 months.

It's simple: I want a steady girlfriend. That may sound like a really AFC goal, but it's not. It's pragmatic given how little time I can devote to PU in the next few months. I want a great LTR, because frankly, it's been awhile.

I hope to learn a few things from this exercise. First, I want the relationship to be on my terms, so basically I have to drive and win the power struggle. Second I want to learn how to make a girl fall for me in the quickest amount of time. Lastly, I'm taking time to develop my inner game, instead worrying about sarging and LRs.

In the mean time, I will still occasionally sarge, mainly daygame. But only to keep me from becoming rusty. I think having this goal in the back of my mind will do me a world of good.

The Long Way

A post has been long overdue. The only thing I can say is that I've been busy, and a bit conflicted. Those are only excuses, which I won't bother hiding behind.

I haven't gone out as much in the past few weeks. I know I should be going out and practicing all the things I learned, but a few new circumstances are getting in the way of things.

First, I'm off to a new job which is going to take much more out of me. That means, no time to go sarging, no hitting the bars, no bouncing around clubs, and no running day-game up and down the city. This sounds like a bad excuse, but I happen to love what I do. In the near-term, my job takes precedence over all things. After all, this is my passion.

Second, I'm dating two great girls right now. Since I already have very limited free time, I'd rather spend it with a really awesome girl instead of chasing after random skirts. And did I mention I got two of them? I am a little conflicted because I will not lie to keep them (and I shouldn't have to). Either girl I would want to have a relationship with, but I don't want to make a choice. Why can't I have both?

In the mean time, my goal is work on things associated with dating and relationships. It's been awhile since I was in one, and creating attraction and connection is every bit as important in a relationship as it is in PU. The practice will be different, but it's still practice. Also, the benefit of a steady girl (or two) is that I get to try different things with sex. I'm already having more sex than I have in ages. Who said dating the same girl has to be dull and boring? Lastly this will be my opportunity to get my first mLTR (the holy grail of PU), so why the fuck not?

So, all this means that I'm probably going to on a hiatus for awhile, at least where sarging and PU is involved. James Bond never retires, only goes on vacations. What I fear the most is that I might forget everything in a few months. But I think I can prevent that from happening. I might get rusty, but I'll do okay in the end. I'm just taking the longer way to get to becoming Bond.