What I Learned from Losing my Oneitis

Last saturday I went on a date with my oneitis. I call her that, because we've been on-and-off dating for the past year. I met her at a time that I wasn't ready to meet a girl like that. She's gorgeous, HB8+, kinda looks like Denise Richards. Sucks a mean cock and loves asian men. But she's also super smart, outgoing, athletic, fun, deep, and full of life. I especially liked her philosophical outlook on life. And she's bisexual.

But our relationship wasn't good. The funny thing is that we both tried really hard. I didn't have the heart to end it, because, well, she's my oneitis. It's my comfort zone, and when I was happy with her, I was really happy. But she also made me very miserable many many times. I became a total AFC chode around her, I knew it but I didn't know how to change it.

So, long story short, she initiated the breakup last night. To my surprise, I didn't feel pain at all, more relief and a sense of profound epiphany.

This is what I found out. I was never able to connect with her. I was playing too safe. I'm not used to just connecting and talking with a hot girl, it was too foreign to me. She desperately wanted me to challenge what she says, but I never did that, and it frustrated the shit out of her. It's like she was unconsciously throwing shit-tests all the time and all I had to do was be aggressive and I'd pass them. I didn't know. She said, she was with me because I was nice to her, I was safe, and I would never hurt her. She valued all that, but it wasn't enough.

But you know what? Connecting with a girl that you like, it's really like talking with any of my buddies. Why should it be any different? If my friend tried to bullshit me I wouldn't let him off with out calling it out. With any of my friends, I can talk about life and random shit for hours and hours. It should be the same with a girl, especially one that you're trying to date and have a relationship with.

She also told me that the image that I projected, it was weak (beta in PUA parlance). She put up a facade of strength, but deep inside, she's actually afraid of being hurt because she was physically abused when she was younger. I never got deep enough to realize that the facade was just that. And she desperately craved for protection. I didn't provide that. She didn't feel safe.

All of that is preprogrammed. Evolutionary. No matter how much she liked me, and she did, no matter how hard she tried to make it work, she can't overcome those preprogrammed responses. The fuckup is mine and mine to learn from.

Sometimes the most important lessons are only learned when you put yourself through harms way. I had to get so close to an awesome girl like that, and to lose her, to learn about love and life. I learned that creating connection and building relationships is like cupping water in the hand. The tighter you clutch, the less water you hold. I wasn't prepared to lose her and that mentality defeated me.

When I say I'm okay, i'm really okay. If this happened a few months ago, I would've been devastated. The timing is critical. I saw the writing on the wall, but like I said, I didn't have the heart to sever it. This is the reason why I took a workshop with SS a few months ago and why I finally got pissed and decided to solo sarge on Fri night and day game yesterday . If I was motivated yesterday, today I'm 10 times more motivated to better myself.