A few hours ago, I had an emotional reaction.
I went to B's facebook page, something I haven't done in weeks. The only thing I saw, was at 3pm today (or yesterday), she changed her status from Single to In A Relationship.
This was inevitable. Whatever fantasies my subconscious may have had, my conscious mind know them to be just that. But still I felt something. I couldn't describe the feeling. It just bothered me.
It didn't feel like anger. I did feel like going to town on a punching bag, but that feeling lasted only a few seconds. It might have been jealousy, or envy, second cousins to anger. Regret? No, I've had enough time for that. At dinner, I thought maybe it's a feeling associated with my inability to forgive. I haven't forgiven her, and I have certainly not forgiven myself. But then again, the lack of forgiveness is not a feeling.
As I was walking back from my dinner, it dawned on me. What I felt was a bruised ego. I wanted to move on before she did, and she beat me to it. I wanted her to regret letting an amazing catch, me, go and she did the opposite. I gave my emotions freely to her, she gave none to me. My ego bled.
The race isn't about who will get over whom faster. In fact, there is no race. What I did yesterday is ancient history. It only matters what I do now, and who I become tomorrow. The rest, I must let go, along with my ego.
Realizing that made me feel a lot better. Sometimes it's difficult to check ego at the door, and we carry it with us inadvertently. I will be working on recognizing my hurt ego as early as possible so I can minimize the impact of this emotional reaction.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment